Lift Up Your Hearts!

A Sane Woman's Guide to Raising a Large Family, by Mary Ostyn (Gibbs Smith, Layton, Utah, 2009)

This book sounded useful to Heather, who wishes both to have a large family and to retain her sanity, so we bought it for her as a Mother's Day gift.  Naturally, I read it first.  (Book-gift recipients are accustomed to that behavior from me, I'm afraid.)

I recommend A Sane Woman's Guide to all families who aspire to sanity, even if their hopes don't include a large family.  Although I don't agree with all of Mary Ostyn's advice, it's a surprisingly useful collection of ideas in a slim 192 pages, amusingly presented. Here's the table of contents for a quick preview, followed by a few, rather random, excerpts.

• Growing a Family: Are We Crazy to Want Another Baby?
• Money:  Just How Broke Are We Going to Be?
• Making Space:  Will We Need a Shoehorn to Fit Another Bed?
• Kids and Activities:  Is It Still "Home Sweet Home" If I'm Never There?
• Affordable Vacations:  Is a Disney Vacation a Childhood Essential? [Absolutely not.  But a Central Florida vacation is, if your grandparents live in the Orlando area.]
• The Supermom Myth:  Where is My Supersuit?
• Parenthood and Stress:  Will Bedtime Ever Come?
• Parenting Hacks:  Isn't There a Better Way to Do This?
• Likeable Kids:  Will Grandma Be Worn Out by Our Brood?
• School Success:  What if My Kid Isn't an Honor Student?
• Encouraging Sibling Friendships:  Why Can't They Be Friends?
• Celebrating Each Child:  Will They Know How Special They Are to Me?
• Conclusion:  Never Alone

Making it work on a moderate income comes down to clarity of purpose.  What do our children need most from us?  They need love.  They need food, clothes, and shelter.  The need clear expectations and responsibilities.  The need time just to be kids....But they do not need huge allowances, rooms of their own, TVs in their rooms, and name-brand clothes.

Though I am a tightwad at heart, years of mothering a large family have made me a reluctant fan of high-quality components in certain places [e.g. faucets, carpets and other flooring, cabinets, and doorknobs].

Every household should have a good collection of books....The library is a wonderful resource as well.  But kids should be able to find something to read anytime, not just when you have time to hit the library.

My mom taught me to sort laundry the traditional way:  whites, lights, mediums, darks, and towels.  As a new wife, I dutifully emulated my mom's approach.  A few kids later, I got lax and tried the "grab any heap and chuck it in the washer" approach.  To my surprise, the laundry didn't look much different.  Sure, there were those few rare occasions when I forgot about that new red shirt and my (very secure) hubby ended up wearing pink underwear to work.  But those times were rare.  My casual approach saved minutes every day and decreased our quality of life not one bit.

Instead of aiming to get out the door five minutes before I had to get out the door, I started aiming to leave half an hour sooner.  Don't get me wrong:  I've never managed to actually leave half an hour early.  But often I manage to walk out the door five or ten minutes ahead of schedule.  After years of unsuccessfully trying to beat the clock, let me tell you, that's a sweet, sweet feeling.

A huge key when dealing with poky homework-doers is to give children ownership of the problem.  Make sure they know what they're supposed to do and remind them that nothing else is going to happen till this is done.  Then leave them be.  Sometimes kids will need a session or two of staring at the problems till bedtime to decide to work.  Sprinkle a bit of exercise in there even if the work isn't done.  Chasing the dog around the yard for ten minutes is sometimes just the thing to break the logjam in the child's brain and motivate them to finish the work.  But stick to your guns and require that the work get done.

My husband and I only had two kids when we realized that the whining had to quit in our house.  We made a serious push to stop rewarding that behavior.  Though it didn't end entirely—we still fight the battle some days—it did diminish the level dramatically, which made my job as mom much more enjoyable.

Pick a few essential house rules and stick to them.  Here are the rules we have at our house:

• Be respectful to your parents.
• Be kind to each other.
• Work hard without complaining.

Once the child knows what behavior you expect, give consequences with every offense.  Too often we parents think we are being merciful when we give kids one more chance to obey, but, really, we are training them to disobey....Kids are smart, and they learn quickly when it is in their best interest.  And here's the truth:  learning to obey the first time you say it is in everyone's best interest.  It makes for a happier family.

Over the years, I've learned to vary the consequence [for misbehavior] depending on the occasion.  If a child doesn't cooperate during work time, he'll need to work during part of his playtime.  If a kid is cranky and argumentative, maybe he'd benefit from an earlier bedtime.  If a child destroys his bedroom, he cleans up the mess.  Kids who hurt siblings can make up for it by doing a chore for the hurt sibling....Most kids do not like to do extra work.  I will often give a disobedient child an extra job to atone for defiance....If kids learn that misbehavior takes away their free time, they'll be less likely to do the same thing again.  I also find that getting a bit of assistance helps me feel more positive towards the child.

I've stopped berating children about the state of their rooms right before they fall asleep at night.  No kid needs the last words of the day from mom to be a lecture, no matter how well deserved.  Better to brush the clutter aside and end the day on a positive note.

When you're feeding half a dozen kids, you'd go nuts trying to be a short order cook for each and every child.  So you offer fewer choices, and kids learn to be more flexible.  Here's another thing that moms of many know:  kids almost never starve themselves, despite their parents' fears.  If they're given a reasonable variety of food, they'll eat enough to live on.  Really.

Thomas Edison once said, "Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work."  By training our kids to work, we are making it more likely they will see those opportunities when they come along in life.  Training should start young.  Even a twelve-month old can help put blocks into a bucket.  Kids need to know that everyone in your family helps out, and they need to learn that complaining will not get them out of work.  In fact, at our house, complaining is a great way to earn an extra task.  Even an indignant "Uh!" means kids need to practice giving the right answer in the right tone of voice...Don't just give children busywork.  Kids are competent....It is better to overestimate your children's ability a bit and then train them to the task.  Don't keep kids doing the same overly simplistic jobs for years.  Promote them!

One of the best things we can give our kids is the right kind of praise.  Words of affirmation come naturally to many parents these days....The problem is that kids get used to being applauded for the simplest things....Rather than giving huge applause for every action, it is better to praise specifics and to match the level of praise to the amount of effort that the child made....The most powerful praise focuses on things that children can control.  We should notice effort.  We should notice concentration.  We should especially notice when kids have worked hard on a project.  In the end, hard work will get kids farther than native ability.

Here's something that a lot of people don't realize.  All kids come out of school with "gaps," no matter what type of schooling they've had....But if we can instill in our children an ethic of hard work, the ability to read, and a curiosity about the worlds, they will have the tools they need to overcome any gaps they may have.

When I notice my kids picking on other children's weaknesses, I pick a quiet time to speak directly to the person who is being unkind.  "Have you noticed how Ben really hates to wear his glasses?"  Usually the child will admit that he has.  If he pretends ignorance of the issue, I'll explain the other child's feelings in a non-accusatory way and ask the child if he will help me support his brother.  "Could you help me make sure nobody teases him about his glasses?  Let me know if anyone does, okay?"  Enlisting the child's help as his brother's protector will often discourage teasing.  You may not even have to mention the child's part in the teasing.  Most likely his conscience will do that work.  If we can teach our children to make allowance for the weaknesses of others, we will be encouraging a kinder gentler spirit in our home.

I've come to realize that fighting between children is most intense when they are having a hard time getting their own needs met.  If a kid is feeling neglected or out of sorts, he can't have the emotional energy to speak gently to another child, to forgive, to be kind.  Often I can trace an increase of fighting in the family directly to a too-busy schedule, especially a too-busy momma, or to a too-great focus on accomplishment at the expense of family fun.

A Sane Woman's Guide to Raising a Large Family is a quick first-time read, during which most people will find sound principles worth re-reading a time or two.  It's also well-written, and the tone is not condescending.