Lift Up Your Hearts!

Once upon a time, we gave normal baby shower presents, like everyone else.  You know, crib sheets and diapers and cute little outfits....  As time went on, and as we became more experienced parents, we began to change:  we started giving books.  I suppose a copy of Dr. Spock would have been considered a normal gift, but the books we gave were different, the kind that most people might never run into.  They were chosen from a mental list of books, accumulated over the years, which we had found to be especially helpful in the adventure of childrearing.  I had quickly become fed up with all the popular parenting books, which seemed to be describing ... well, I don't know who they were describing, but it certainly wasn't our children.  These books, taken in toto, did a much better job of understanding the little ones in our care, and of addressing our own particular needs and concerns.  I hoped by the shower gifts to spare other parents my own long and confusing journey.  This was pre-Internet, remember, and information was harder to come by than anyone born after 1975 can fully imagine.

After a while we learned to be more cautious in our giving, as we discovered that not every new parent is excited about getting books, let alone ones that are ... odd.  But I kept the list, calling it The Things Dr. Spock Won't Tell You; over the years, it grew and changed a bit in content, though not in philosophy.

The version I'm publishing now is old, having not been updated since 2005.  There are other good books I should add, and perhaps one day I will.  It should probably get a new title, too:  Does anyone read Dr. Spock anymore?  But it is what it is, and I'm only posting it because (1) the blog is a good place to tuck away old writings, and (2) I want to reference it in a later post.

One thing that will become obvious to anyone who reads the books is that they contradict each other in places.  So what?  I don't agree with everything in any of them; the path of truth is strewn with paradox.  The point was never to push any particular view of childrearing, but that in each book we'd found something of great value.  Take what is useful, and leave what is not.

Despite their differences, these books tend to have two things in common that undergird our own childrearing philosophy.  One is a great respect for children, and a conviction that we as a society have underestimated them in many areas, from the physical to the intellectual to the spiritual.  The other is a great respect for parents, the belief that "an ounce of parent is worth a pound of expert."

The Things Dr. Spock Won't Tell You

• How to Multiply Your Baby's Intelligence, How to Teach Your Baby to Be Physically Superb, and more by Glenn Doman

I ignored Doman's books for years, because I thought I knew what they said, and didn't approve. Once I got past my prejudices, however, I discovered that what he says is not the same thing as what people say he says.  What's more, much of what he says about kids I had already learned from personal experience.  He seemed to know our own children a lot better than most so-called "experts."  These are joys not to be missed.

• Super Babies by Robert Leland Johnson

An unfortunate title for a very interesting book.  It's a rather extreme, but fascinating personal experience with applying some of Doman's theories.

• How to Teach Your Baby to Swim by Claire Timmermans

The prevailing wisdom these days is against early swimming, but we found it invaluable in many ways, as well as enjoyable.  This is not about the kind of "infant swimming" lessons in which the child is rather forcibly taught survival skills, but a lovely interaction between parent and child which has survival skills as a beneficial side effect.

• Home-Grown Kids, Home-Spun Schools, The Successful Homeschool Family Handbook, Better Late than Early, and more by Raymond and Dorothy Moore

Like Glenn Doman, the Moores have been widely misunderstood, particularly on their assertion that most kids start school too early.  The point is not that young children shouldn’t learn, but that formal, particularly institutional, early education is harmful.  I disagree with the Moores on several points, but they also have much of value to offer.

• How Children Fail, How Children Learn, Learning All the Time, and more by John Holt

Some of the most important and enlightening books ever on children and learning.  Although at one point he openly states that he doesn’t approve of the “how to teach your baby…” phenomenon, I believe that, like me, John Holt was guilty of judging Glenn Doman’s ideas without really knowing them.  Glenn Doman, John Holt, and the Moores come from different perspectives to a common belief in the wisdom and value and strength and ability of children and families—and a deep distrust of institutions that would diminish them.

• Better Than School and Child’s Work by Nancy Wallace

Two of the most wonderful and inspiring books on education and children I've ever read.

• Karen and With Love From Karen by Marie Killilea

Not obviously about childrearing, but they really are.  Few books point out as well how much we underestimate our kids in the moral and spiritual areas.

• The Plug-In Drug by Marie Winn

Despite some points on which we disagree with it, this book was a great influence on the development of our attitude toward television.  It was here that we first came across the idea that the mere fact of watching is as significant as what you watch.  If you're going to win the TV battle, it's best to start before the child is born!

• Hide or Seek by James Dobson

This is one of Dobson's best.  I especially like his idea of "compensating skills."

• How to Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell

I don't agree with all that he says, but believe that much of it is valuable, especially the importance of physical and eye contact with children.  This is where we got the idea of “love buckets” that can be filled or depleted.

• Marva Collins' Way by Marva Collins and Civia Tamarkin

Not about childrearing per se, but says a lot about what children can do—and enjoy doing—if you set your standards high enough.

• Nurtured by Love by Shinichi Suzuki

A must if you're ever thinking of music lessons, and contains much of value even if you're not.

• Raising Musical Kids by Patrick Kavanaugh

Without a doubt one of the best books I've seen on the subject; it articulates well much of what we learned along the way.  I wish I could have read it ten twenty years ago!

• For the Children's Sake by Susan Schaeffer Macaulay

If I had to send my kids to school . . . .  An easy introduction to the ideas of Charlotte Mason.

• Dumbing Us Down, A Different Kind of Teacher, and The Underground History of American Education by John Taylor Gatto

If you ever wanted to scream because it seems as if your child’s school is actually trying to make him stupid—you may be right.

• Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth by Ina May Gaskin

The victories won for natural childbirth by those of us who gave birth in the seventies and eighties have since been lost in much of the United States, but progress has been made if you know where to look.

• The Attachment Parenting Book : A Commonsense Guide to Understanding and Nurturing Your Baby by Martha and William Sears

I’m not as familiar with this book as I am with the others, but I’ve seen some of the principles in action.  As with everything, attachment parenting can be overdone, but it is a welcome recovery of the best of pre-industrial childrearing.