Forget Area 51, the NSA's invasive civilian spying, and anything else you may think the U.S. government has tried to keep up its sleeves. Edward Snowden has nothing on me. I will now reveal to you the government's greatest secret:
The United States Post Office has discovered instantaneous transport!
Here at Lift Up Your Hearts! we have obtained a copy of the official government record of a small package sent between the United States and Switzerland. (Not to CERN, but to what our sources indicate may be the home laboratory of one of its top up-and-coming scientists.)
There it is, ladies and gentlemen: the Secret of the Century is out. And you thought only quantum particles could be in two places at the same time.
Next up for our intrepid investigative reporters? Digging into the dirty secret of why it still takes four days to travel the 250 miles from Altamonte Springs to Miami.