A Facebook discussion set me to pondering what I have learned through the years about necessary and unnecessary stress at Christmastime.  Yes, I think there is such a thing as necessary stress.  The discussion was prompted by this quotation from Ann VoskampWhenever Christmas begins to burden, it’s a sign that I’ve taken on something of the world and not of Christ. Any weight in Christmas has to be of this world.

I appreciate the point, but I beg to differ, slightly.

The Christmas season, like all other seasons, has its own burdens and blessings. The work that goes into it, like the work that goes into life, can be delightful and can be stressful. I don't think it's a sign that we're doing something not of Christ just because it's stressful or burdensome.  Good things take work.  Labor, as in the birth of a baby.  The more effortless a work of art looks, and the more joy it brings to others (inspiring musical performance; smoothly-running household; creative, confident, well-behaved children), the more labor you can assume went into it.  Yet there's no denying that we can get so caught up in the effort that we miss the point, be it Christmas, or a wedding, or life itself.


Here are some things we've done, or not done, over the years, that made a difference to our Christmas stress level.  Your mileage may vary.

Smile Media exposure.  One of the best decisions we ever made was to severely limit the presence of television in our home.  This included—for good reason—videos and public television, but it was the lack of commercial TV that made the greatest difference at Christmastime.  Our children didn't beg for toys they didn't know existed and certainly didn't know they "needed."  That wasn't our motivation for banishing children's television programs from our lives, but it was an especially helpful benefit.

Smile Santa Claus.  I grew up with the excitement of the jolly ol' guy, but we decided to tell our children from the beginning that honoring the real St. Nicholas had evolved into a fun, but fictional, Christmas story.  I won't say that Santa never delivered gifts to our house—there were grandparents' wishes to consider—but we never, ever, stood in a long line, or paid ridiculous prices, or fought over the last Tickle Me Elmo just because our children had asked Santa, and Santa was expected to deliver.  (That line never worked in my childhood, but somehow expectations have grown over the years.)

Frown Loss of anticipation.  Despite the absence of a too-generous Santa, our children did not lack for presents and other reasons for looking forward to Christmas.  But they never experienced the long period of anticipation I remember.  In my childhood, the weeks between Thanksgiving and Chistmas  j-u-s-t  d-r-a-g-g-e-d.  Life is busier now, and children feel time flying in a way that was once only an adult curse.  Holiday stress has no age limits.

Frown Christmas parties.  Every organization or activity we or our children were involved in felt it necessary to have a Christmas party, complete with gift exchange, during the busiest and most expensive season of the year.  I don't know why:  the secular organizations had no need to celebrate Christmas, and the churches should have realized that Advent / Christmas Eve / Christmas / Epiphany worship services are a much better excuse for a celebration than "we have to have parties because everyone else does."  I realize that some people are energized by such events, but I could have drastically reduced my stress level by declining at least half of the Christmas events we were invited to.  I would much, much rather have baked and decorated cookies at home than attended parties, yet more often than not the latter squeezed out the better.

Smile Frown Christmas traditions.  Frankly, I don't have any answers here.  I still grieve over not having established our own family's holiday traditions, and for letting some treasures from my past fall by the wayside.  For years we celebrated Thanksgiving with my in-laws; after that, we joined my family's gathering at my sister's house.  Our children have wonderful memories of time spent with our extended families, which is of infinite value ... but no memories of Thanksgiving at home.  Christmastime was usually spent at our house, but always with company, usually my in-laws.  This was a great treasure, and I wouldn't trade it.  But it was also stressful, as we accommodated their desires (e.g. Santa Claus), and in the time crunch I dropped some of my own cherished Christmas traditions.  Why stress ourselves with making and decorating cookies (precious memories from my childhood) when we knew Grandma would bring piles of wonderful food with her?  This was one of the "if only I were more organized" stresses:  couldn't I have fit it all in, somehow?  Without a doubt, family is far more important (and fun) than a particular cookie tradition.  But there's still a loss, and a stress to deal with.

Smile Frown We've been part of our church's Christmas services for nearly as long as our kids have been alive, in some combination of childen's choir, adult choir, Christmas musicals, Scripture reading, and/or setup and takedown.  Overall this is a great thing, and I find it hard to "do congregation," especially in churches where congregations don't do all that much.  Active involvement is both educational and inspirational.  But it also has its losses and stresses, from missing the neighborhood Santa drive-by (small loss, I think, but the kids loved getting the candy he tosses); to staying up into the wee hours of Christmas morning finishing tasks, having returned from church well after midnight; to burdening our guests with the choice of (1) be at church with us for a long time, sometimes attending multiple services, (2) providing their own transportation (difficult when the church was a complicated 40-minute drive from home), or (3) staying home without us, whom they had come long distances to be with.  On the plus side, what with the exhuastion and staying up late, we rarely had to deal with early-rising children on Christmas morn.

Smile Frown Gift giving.  This deserves a post to itself, but I'll try to keep it short.  A gift, whether inexpensive or costly, can be a precious expression of love, or at least appreciation.  But there's no question gift giving can be a problem, even without Santa in the picture.

  • For a long time I was embarrased about the number of gifts under our tree, but I've gotten over that.  Even though we had only two children, we always had visitors for Christmas to swell the present pile, and we have many generous relatives.  We also made a point of wrapping as gifts things most families probably just buy as a matter of course, such as clothing (yes, even underwear), educational materials, and other necessities of life, just because it's so much fun to watch people unwrap presents—and they were never ungrateful, not even for the underwear.  Most of the generous relatives were good about sending useful presents, too.
  • The number of presents wasn't the only reason it took us all morning and most of the afternoon to open our gifts.  It was important to us to treasure each gift (even the underwear), so we opened gifts slowly, and two gifts were never opened at the same time, no matter how many people were in the room.  All attention was focused on one person, one gift.  I can't say strongly enough how wonderful this custom was for us.  Every gift was treasured, every giver thanked in person (or the gift carefully noted down if the giver was not present).  The ungrateful do not deserve gifts.  Thankfully, we never had to enforce this.
  • Unfortunately, we were pretty bad about thank-you notes.  We almost always got them out, but much later than we should have.  I don't know why it was so difficult.  The children were truly thankful, but getting them (or, to be honest, myself) to put pen to paper was a battle.  But, really,  how hard can it be?  If I were doing it over, I'd include under the tree a special box of notecards for each child, and make a point of sitting down at the beginning of each subsequent day and writing one thank-you note.  Even with our generous family, they'd have been finished before Epiphany.  Let me add that, in these days of multiple means of communication, I wouldn't insist on hand-written, need-a-stamp notes, although those are always lovely to get.  But whether expressed through letter, e-mail, phone, Skype, SMS, IM, or Facebook, what the giver wants to know is:  Did the gift arrive?  Was it broken or defective in any way?  What do you like about it?  What don't you like about it?  Here is a great opportunity for a lesson in basic courtesy:  how to thank someone for his thoughtfulness and generosity while letting him know that at age 12 you really don't want any more pink elephant slippers.  Trust me, the giver has better things to do with his money than to give you presents you don't want.  And please, mention gifts individually.  "Thank you for the presents" meets the bare minimum requirements, but does not satisfy a loving and generous heart.
  • If I were doing it again, I'd fret less about some of the gifts our children received that didn't fit well with our priorities and values.  There was never anything truly awful—though in my opinion, a Barbie doll comes close—but I don't think they were scarred for life by being given stick-on plastic earrings and play nail polish.  Relatives are good for expanding one's horizons.
  • Charity gift catalogues (e.g. World Vision, Compassion, Heifer Project) are a gimmick, I know, but nonetheless a very effective and educational way to involve children in contributing to those in need.  And I think the donation of a goat, or a bicycle, or an anti-malaria bed net would be just perfect for those otherwise meaningless Christmas party gift exchanges.  I wouldn't go as far as this family (the same Ann Voskamp mentioned above) and have no gifts at all under the tree:  receiving gifts is not only a joy for children but also a lesson in thankfulness.  And anyway, what would we do without underwear?  But the basic concept is worth working into our gift-giving, one way or another.  Buy a few extra items to keep on hand during the year, too.  They won't spoil (you get a card; the gift has already been given) and you'll have an easy present to pull out when needed.
  • When I read, years ago, about a woman who had all her Christmas shopping done before Thanksgiving, I knew I could never be so efficient.  Deadlines inspire me, but they must be real deadlines:  I'm no good at mentally determining to be done by a certain time if my gut knows I really have another two weeks.  But for the past several years, Thanksgiving has been a real deadline, because that's when our family gets together, and we all like to save on postage.  True, it's a soft deadline—I can and do still shop in December—but it's solid enough to spur me into action a month early.  It's an awesome feeling to go into December (and Advent) with much of the labor completed!
  • What I really want to do is gather Christmas gifts slowly, all year 'round.  This is harder to do for children of a certain age, whose interest in a particular item may not be sustained from February to December, or for things that people might buy for themeselves in the interim.  But that still leaves a number of possibilities, from consumables (food, sandpaper, crayons) to items you know someone would love but would not treat himself to.
  • We need to get over our embarrassment about homemade gifts.  Few things say love like something that takes time and effort rather than a credit card.  Homemade jam and hand-knit sweaters were always big hits at our house.  Just don't take anything homemade to a Christmas party gift exchange, where for reasons I still don't understand, mockery is frequently mistaken for humor.

What has helped—or hindered—your celebration of Christmas?


A phrase from George McDonald sums up how I'd like to approach this season of blessing and stressing.  Labor without perturbation, readiness without hurry, no haste and no hesitation.  For the visual thinkers and chart-minded among us, I've created a graph that I find helpful in determining whether or not a particular Christmas activity is worthwhile for me.

alt

The y-axis, Duty, represents the importance of a project or activity, whether in my own mind or imposed by others; the x-axis, Delight, is a measure of the joy received as a result of my participation.  There is nothing mathematical about the placement of the adjectives within a quadrant; they are merely suggestive.

A given type of event may fit into any of the four quadrants.  For example, the Christmas party.

The first quadrant is all positive; this is where you want to be.  For me, it would be a small gathering of good friends, where we take our voices and various instruments on a carolling tour of the neighborhood, preferably on a still, quiet night with a few snowflakes falling.  Then we'd repatriate and warm up by a cheerful fire with cups of steaming cocoa and an assortment of snacks and cookies.  (Yes, I'm aware that I live in Florida.)  

Quadrant Two might be your office Christmas party, which you dread, but you know that if you don't show up—with a smile and a gag gift—your boss will consign you to the "not a team player" abyss.  Grit your teeth, take a good attitude with you, and please try to stay out of trouble.

The third quadrant is bad all around:  no fun and no good reason to be there.  Perhaps it's your church's production of The Young Messiah, served with Crystal Light lemonade and peanut butter cookies, which you know will distress your ears, your brain, your stomach, and your musical sensibilities.  You like to support church activities, but they're expecting an enthusiastic crowd of three hundred and you will not be missed.  Cross this one off your list with gratitude and a sigh of relief.

Quadrant Four is where you'll find the chocolate cake of life:  Not good for you, but not harmful in limited quantities.  Perhaps your neighbors are staging a back-to-back showing of your favorite Christmas television specials.  No one will be offended if you stay home, and you don't anticipate any benefit, not even a chance for conversation—no one but you appreciates pausing a show to discuss the philosophical implications of the Ghost of Christmas Present, or the symbolic significance of the Island of Misfit Toys—but you would love to see A Charlie Brown Christmas again.  The greatest danger with activities from this quadrant is that it is too easy to let them accumulate until they've multiplied stress by crowding out Quadrants One and Two.

I see the Ann Voskamp quotation as unrealistically one-dimensional:  Anything that is not in Quadrant One must be in Quadrant Three.  I suggest that the Christmas season, like life, cannot be reduced so neatly—not even to my two-dimensional analysis.  But in any case, a reasoned consideration of what contributes to a joyful celebration and what detracts should lead us in the direction of a

Merry Christmas!

Which is an appropriate activity for Advent.

Posted by sursumcorda on Sunday, December 11, 2011 at 9:57 am | Edit
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Comments

There's too much to respond too intelligently, so I'll just briefly say that I very well knew the feeling of how time dragged between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Of course it wouldn't feel that way for you, but I wasn't stressing over Christmas preparations and I would look at the Advent calendar several times a day thinking it took AGES until the next day when we could open another door!

I know later in life I was too lazy to want to decorate cookies, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hold special memories for me. I'm trying very hard to keep my Christmas activities to the minimum so I have energy for pushing Baby#2 out, but I have a short list of cookies to make and we've scheduled family time for making cutouts together. Remember, how your kids see things can be quite different from how you see it. It could even be that your mother thinks she didn't spend enough time decorating cookies with you, but in your mind it was the most wonderful thing in the world!



Posted by IrishOboe on Monday, December 12, 2011 at 3:55 pm

So on one note...gifts of appropriateness... I remember our dear friends sending our eldest an advent calendar for her Birthday...a beautiful one that could be re-used year after year!!! We always looked forward to getting out the advent calendar!!
I THINK she sent a thank you but in case she didn't ... let me say a most robust, "THANK YOU"!!
Might I also take a tight hold of this opportunity to say, "MERRY CHRISTmas" and "HAPPY NEW YEAR" to each and every member of the ever growing Wightman family!! May all of your Christmas carols be Christ centered and all your Christmas seasons be FILLED to OVERFLOWING with HIS peace, love, acceptance, joy...but most importantly HIS PRESENCE!
HUGS and KISSES from Aunt Pami and Uncle Tony or just plain Pami and Tony



Posted by Pami Gregorio on Monday, December 12, 2011 at 11:07 pm

i think the difference is in your definition of duty. i think you are defining it as "importance", where I would define it as a responsibility or obligation, whether or not i think it important.
also, i couldn't figure out how to phrase it on facebook, so i didn't bother responding, but i'd guess there are lots of quotes that if you replace words in them, become not true, and so I don't see how that shows a quote is wrong as it stands as originally said.



Posted by jondaley on Tuesday, December 13, 2011 at 7:05 am

By the way, the choice of axes is a triple hat tip: To Rabindranath Tagore, who said, "I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was duty. I acted and behold, duty was joy!"; to Erik Routley's hymn, In Praise of God Meet Duty and Delight; and to Ashley Burell, our choir director many years back, who introduced me to the concept.



Posted by SursumCorda on Tuesday, December 13, 2011 at 8:00 am

I'll agree with Janet on the time being slow between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I, too, remembering how long it took between door-openings.

can't comment more now, hopefully later.



Posted by joyful on Tuesday, December 13, 2011 at 8:13 am

I'm not sure where Ms. Voskamp gets the idea that Christmas (or, more generally, life) shouldn't be a burden. Doesn't Matthew 11:28-30 imply that there will be a burden, albeit a lighter one? Wouldn't the entire absence of any burden imply that we are no longer affected by the fall, which so plainly affects our daily life? The Benedictine monks chose "ora et labora" for a reason.



Posted by Stephan on Tuesday, December 13, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Thank you for this post. It's a lot to think about, but especially at this time of year it's valuable thought process.

One of the best stress-reducers I've introduced to my life is a small Christmas tradition. (I'm a single woman, so I'm the only one practicing it.) On Christmas Eve, I write the Lord two thank you letters--one for the year that's gone by, and one for the year to come. I keep the letters in one place, and sometimes revisit them. This has opened up a most liberating sense of gratitude, without placing expectation on other family or friends. That expectation--as well as feeling many things expected--seems to have been at the core of a lot of my Christmastime stress. When my heart and mind are focused on the Lord, it's a lot easier to only shoulder his burden.



Posted by Brenda on Tuesday, December 13, 2011 at 10:29 pm

It seems to me the main concern Jon has is with the definition of "stress". The engineering definition has to do with work, force, tension (as in a cable). The modern cultural definition focuses on those things to an excessive degree and comes with fretting; think "stressed out."
"Hard work" does not mean "stress" as our culture uses it.
I can fall into bed exhausted every night from the hard work of doing
my job as wife, mother, housekeeper, etc., but with peace in my heart, soul,
and mind, knowing that I'm doing the work God has called me to.

Or I can fall into bed exhausted, worry in my mind, tension in my body,
turbulence in my soul, forgetting that God is in control of my life so I don't have to be.
And often, those two situations can happen with the exact same physical work being done, only a difference in the focus of my thoughts.
I suspect that is what Mrs.Voskamp's quote is pointing to. If you're
feeling stressed out, stop and evaluate. Are my thoughts focused in the right place? Am I doing the right things?
The point is that the heavy burden of stress(2) should be eliminated for the light burden that Jesus gives us. (Tension in a cable holding up a suspension bridge is a good thing - that's the work it is supposed to do.
But if that single cable had to hold
up the whole bridge, it would be a very bad thing - it would be "stressed out", to the breaking point.)



Posted by joyful on Wednesday, December 14, 2011 at 6:44 am

sorry for the spacing in that comment - I wrote it in my email first and it was hard to see in the text box where the extra spaces were.

Also, I think that as I grew older, the time of Advent grew shorter, and that is what Mom remembers. But as a child, I remember it being long.



Posted by joyful on Wednesday, December 14, 2011 at 6:45 am

Brenda - thank you for your comment. I apologize for the moderation that makes it slow to appear, but spam comments are getting more and more frequent, especially time of year.

Your Christmas Eve tradition sounds wonderful on several levels. It could just as well be a New Year's Eve exercise, or an Advent meditation. Once a homeschooler, always a homeschooler: My mind immediately leaps to educational applications. If I had small children I would consider beginning the letters for each child on the first day of Advent ("Dear Jesus,"), and then "opening" them for more thoughts on each subsequent day. By Christmas they should, at least in theory, have become acquainted with the habit of gratitude - and will over the years accumulate a fascinating record of their childhoods. Thank you!

joyful - an enlightening analysis, thanks! I realize now that the primary definition in my mind (and gut) is the engineering one. What you refer to as "stress(2)" I would call "negative stress" or "too much stress." What is confusing, I now realize, is that I do use the word in the second sense, as a kind of shorthand, if I think the context makes it clear.

Of course, it's unfair to Ann Voskamp to hang too much on a single quotation taken out of context. Here, it was just a springboard for some thoughts I've had quite independently. For all I know, she and I may be in considerable agreement. What inspired me to become involved in the original Facebook conversations was two concerns I had with the out-of-context sense of the statement: (1) Some people will take it as a justification for not doing something that is important, just because they see it as a burden. It's hard to find an example of that, because that's not character of the people I know, but it's a theoretical possibility. Of more concern is (2) Many people will hear that sentiment and add to their Christmas stress (sense 2) a feeling of guilt for not finding the season entirely comfort and joy.

"But if that single cable had to hold up the whole bridge, it would be a very bad thing - it would be "stressed out", to the breaking point." Amen. This is a word mothers especially need to hear, and learn to delegate. I am so grateful for a husband who loves to write Christmas cards! He leaves a few for me, but for the most part my job (and my love) is to write the Christmas newsletter. (I know. Many people think sending and receiving Christmas cards to be a waste of time. We don't.)



Posted by SursumCorda on Wednesday, December 14, 2011 at 9:05 am

IrishOboe - Amazing. I must be getting our daughters mixed up again. I clearly remember one of you saying the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas went too fast. Perhaps that was in our pre-homeschooling days. Anyway, it's great to know that you have good cookie-making memories. And you're right, my mom probably felt guilty for not spending enough time doing things like that with us, even though my memory is that she did a lot. Guilt is written into the Motherhood Contract.

Pami - Thanks! And thanks for reminding us about the Advent calendar. What could be more appropriate for an early-December birthday? :)

One of the wonderful things about our local Christmas in the Park was that in the two-hour concert/sing-along all but one or two of the songs were clearly CHRISTmas carols.

jondaley - I would say that importance is one of the characteristics of duty, but not the defining one. I agree with your definition, but if we have a responsibility or an obligation, it takes on importance whether we think it is important or not. (That's why the office Christmas party example I made up is in Quadrant 2: you don't think it's important, but your boss does.

To clarify for others what you said about replacing words in quotes, this is (part of) what I said in my Facebook comment: Consider: "Whenever life begins to burden, it’s a sign that I’ve taken on something of the world and not of Christ. Any weight in life has to be of this world." You're right that it's risky to modify the words of a quotation, but I stand by this one, as broadening the perspective to make a point: Should life be any less "of Christ" than Christmas?



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